humor

Embarrassing Moments....

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by
a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were
looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this
day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick,
34, Ellerslie, MD

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had
been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins,
31, Ferndale, MI

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself
in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and
took a few shots. They came out so well that
I had copies made and included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative
called about the picture, laughing hysterically,
and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled,
I stared at the photo and was shocked to
discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing
nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld

Surprise!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone
out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring
downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't
have time to get dressed. When we got to the
bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock
and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a
surprise party again.

Tim Cahill,
Poughkeepsie, New York

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy
and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not
start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me
go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson;
Stafford, Virginia

Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment"
stories I've come upon in a long time was about a
lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned
that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK
ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice
boomed back over the intercom, "DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and he
was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office. He was to phone his
mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly,
there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom." she
screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me
that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk
about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing
a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to
follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and
handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman,
46,Winston-Salem, NC

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe,
39, Seguin, TX

Have you an embarrassing moment in your life that you would like to share? If so, please send your embarrassing moment to webmaster@tgguide.com and we will be happy to share your moment with others.

A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork.

Careless Code Recycling Creates Killer Kangas. Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of the their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopters position). The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulations division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reaction to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the Americans Nodded appreciatively...then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten the remove "that" part of the infantry coding). The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of the old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers have learned to be careful When reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with the utmost respect for the Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onwards have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

- From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series Melbourne, Australia.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

One day before I moved, my house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in my driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. I just pack my stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.... Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, you catch all those fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up....Here's your sign."

One evening I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only One way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." ... "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?' I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.... Here's your sign."

About a year ago I was trying to sell my car. A guy came over to the House and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya Know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, and then back to him and said "no, I'm delivering a bridge...here's Your sign."

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about A 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).

Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no," he thinks. Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a)start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.

They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."

Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts.

He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out ...

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE

1."I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheeet progroms."
2."Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3."Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4."Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5."Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6."Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7."It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8."Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9."I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10."Marital status: single. Unmarried.Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11."I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12."I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13."My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14."I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15."Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16."Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17."Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18."Marital status: often. Children: various."
19."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20."Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21."References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never Experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on tan.'" - John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's ading." - Emo Philips

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're " - Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner.

Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

1. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

2. My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

3. My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

4. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

5. My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

6. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

7. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

9. My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

10. My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

11. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

12. My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

13. And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...then you'll see what it's like."

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.

Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady... well, she couldn't reach that far.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I Tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep It from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he Walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call. When they walked in to the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?"

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there, in that bed!"

A husband explains to the guys at the bar. "Do you know why I left her? She started to use four-letter words like: Find work!"

Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

Transgender Guide Jokes and Humorous Stories