How to tell Wife I'm Transgender

Q&A

Q. I am a CD/TV/TG/TS (whichever applies). Should I tell my wife/partner/SO? If so How?

Response by Krystle Glass

A. To even begin to answer this question, you must first ask yourself a few others. How long have you been married? Do you have any children? If so, how old are they? What type of person is your wife/partner? Are they judgmental? Caring? Intolerant? Open to alternative ideas? How do you think they will handle the revelation you are considering? Is your marriage currently involved in or working through any other issues or crises? How large and close are you both to your families?

Some things you have to consider; you will never be free of your feelings- they are a part of who you are, over time you run the risk of your wife/partner finding out on their own and having their sense of betrayal and being lied to even worse. The longer time goes by the guiltier you may feel about not telling them, once you DO have kids things become MUCH more complicated. Once you have children you have to consider not only your spouse's reactions and feelings, but also your children's. And you will have to address the issue of whether or not to tell your children and when. Now your decisions impact more than just two lives. (That's a subject for a whole other page.) Take into account your extended families and their reactions and the variables become multiplied to an even greater degree.

I personally feel it's better to have as open and as honest a relationship and marriage as possible. There are enough pitfalls, trials and tribulations along the way you can't forsee, to have anything less. Your wife/partner MAY reject you. They WILL need to have time to adjust and figure out how they feel about it. By telling them yourself you are able to present it in it's best light and not in the shameful stereotype so many people have. But revealing such a life changing thing as being transgendered, is not good to do if you are already dealing with other major issues. Make sure things are free from other distractions, because dealing with this is going to tax both of your inner strength.

Now this is only my opinion, but I feel a wife/partner has a right to know their spouse, especially something so essential to who you are. They deserve the right to make their own decisions about how they feel about it. They may hate it and not be able to live with it. They may accept it but not want to see it. They may wish to embrace it as it is part of the person they love, and become involved in nurturing it and you. But you will never know if you don't tell them. They may though sense there's something you are holding back, some part of yourself you aren't sharing and that may hurt them in itself. It may cause them to doubt themselves or your marriage/relationship.

Much of what I'm telling you isn't cast in stone. You have to find your own way through this. It's YOUR life and you have to deal with your choices. Just try to think, not just with your head, but with your heart, your sense of morality. Many, many transgenders never tell their wives/partners. But remember too many marriages and relationships involving T*'s end in divorce/separation. Perhaps because of the deceits and lack of honesty?

If you do decide to tell your wife/partner, try to have some materials on hand to share with them to read, or web sites where they can go. And if you can find a support group that has spousal support as well then you may wish to avail yourself of them. If you find you cannot bring yourself to say the words, then you may wish to break the ice by writing your wife/partner a letter. But be certain to follow it up with a lot of discussion. Do NOT make the mistake I did of assuming the letter was enough. For every word you write you should spend a lot of time talking to your spouse about what is inside you, where you are, what you are feeling. Above all else be HONEST. Be prepared to answer their questions. If there is a question you don't know the answer to, don't avoid it or hedge around it. Tell them you don't know. And be prepared for this to take TIME. They will need time to adjust to get a mental handle around this new information. After all, you have known this about yourself and been adapting to it for years. They will need time to catch up. Don't expect things to be resolved in one discussion either. Be ready for their questions to come at any time, and on multiple occasions. Keep the communications flowing, but do not push them for a response or a reaction. If they are silent or do not say much, that in itself is a reaction.

And be ready for their reactions to change. Sometimes they do not, but very often your wife/partner will go through a series of reactions. Very emotional ones. They have no control over this and is part of their mind adapting. They may initially be hostile, then indifferent, then supportive. Then they may withdraw their support. Your greatest enemy is their fear of the unknown, of what "might" be. Your greatest weapon against this is your honesty, your continued love for them, your patience and your communication with them. When they do speak to you really listen, not just to the words but to the meaning behind them.

What you face is one of the toughest challenges to your inner strength and one of the toughest tests of your commitment to each other. Regardless of how things turn out in the end, if you are honest and open with each other you have a much better chance of having a long-term happy life together. Many of those marriages/relationships that fail, do so more because of the deceit and betrayal than from the transgenderism itself. And should yours not survive your honesty, you will at least be able to face yourself each day, free of the burden of guilt and free from carrying this secret alone. And when all is said and done, it is your face you must look into every day, the one person you can never escape is yourself.