Should I Tell My Children I'm Transgender?
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Q&A
Q. I am a CD/TV/TG/TS (whichever applies). My SO knows. Should I tell my kids?
Response by Krystle Glass
A. This is one of the hardest questions you will have to answer for yourself.
First ask yourself, why do you want to tell your children? Is your motivation based on making life easier for you? Or is there some compelling reason why your kids should know? I believe that when exploring this topic, it is the responsibility of you the parent to always think of your children first. This is not like telling your SO. Your SO is an adult. Their world may focus on you, but you are not the sum of their experience with the world, nor is your SO's whole security/stability dependent on you. Your children's is.
Naturally if you are TS and intent on transitioning, your children will have to know. That is not something you can hide from them. Likewise if you are at a point where you are so tormented by your transgender state that you have to be totally out or die, then again it is better for them to know and have to deal with it, than for you to die and them have to deal with one of the most tragic occurrences in a child's life - the loss of a parent. In either case, you should at that time be seeing a therapist, either to guide you through transitioning, or to deal with your pain. Enlist your therapist in aiding you to explain things in a manner appropriate to your situation and your children's ages and maturity. Since your SO already knows, ask them to also help you make the revelation easier for your children to adjust to. In ALL cases, make certain to reinforce to your children the fact that what is happening to you is not caused or influenced by them. Reassure them that your love and devotion to them has not changed and never will, that you will always still be their parent, just in a different form than before.
If your situation is not one of transitioning or immediate survival, then consider your children's ages. Generally children under the school age will adjust fairly easily to changes. They won't necessarily understand it but will tend to accept it as the norm. The flip side of this is that children that young will say anything to anyone. So if you are intent on keeping this a secret from their friends, their friends parents, and any strangers or family they see, then don't tell them. And in every case where children are told, regardless of their ages, I believe it is wrong to make them "keep the secret". It turns your burden into theirs and places them in an untenable position. Once they know, they will have questions. Some of these you will not be able to answer. They will need answers, information and viewpoints they can only get from outside sources and confidants. Instead they should have available to them you, your SO, whatever other family members have been told, your therapist and the ability to access their peers if need be. If possible find a support group that includes other children of transgenders. Once children start school, right through their teens and young adult years, I do not believe they should be told except in the most dire of circumstances. Our children face enough issues, stresses, troubles, trials, challenges, questions, insecurities and self-doubts in the course of their own lives. Their developing years should be free from having to shoulder the burdens of their parents and their parents troubles. All too often we lose sight of this. They should be free to have their childhood. This is the time for you to be there for them. Not the other way around. It is the time when you need to be teaching them about tolerance, acceptance, of being non-judgmental. Because in due time if they do learn about you, the lessons they learn during those years will determine how they react to you. Once your children have begun adult life, once they have gained the experience and knowledge to begin to understand what your transgenderism means, you may consider telling them. It may be they still should not be told or would be unable to handle it. That you must assess for yourself. What will it mean to them? Will it enrich your bond with them and their understanding of you? What do they gain from knowing? What do they lose by not knowing? But keeping the secret past this point has it's down side. They may feel as if you never trusted them. They may estranged from you, as if they never really knew you. It is imperative that if you disclose yourself to them when they are grown, that you explain to them why you kept the information from them. That it was done in their best interests and the decision made based upon what you thought best as a parent.
Just as when you reveal yourself to your SO, be honest. Especially if you are discovered or "outed" accidentally. Once out you need to face it with complete openness and honesty. This does not mean a complete recounting of everything you've done or been through. Instead it means sharing who you are, what is in your heart, what you feel and what your motivations are, what guided your decisions. The rest of the details are not something your children ever need know. Don't try to lie or deceive your way out of it.
Give this very careful consideration. This is one thing you can never take back or undo, once you have revealed yourself.