Partner/Spouse is Transgendered

Q.   Response by Chrysalis

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A.  Thank you for your questions, although I am not a professional I shall endeavor to attempt to help within the scope of my experience. First of all, the two of you must indeed have a special relationship, since apparently s/he has been open enough to share his feelings about himself with you. Unfortunately, a very large number of individuals do not either accept themselves and their feelings and as a result conceal them (their feelings) from any and all that come into contact with them; or try to hide in the other extreme of being an effeminate homosexual male. Your friend does seem to be attempting to deal with the "dysphoria" issues, even if only to the point of admitting to "a fetish".

You state that s/he has "gender dysphoria" which immediately brings to mind the question: Is s/he receiving professional counseling? Or is s/he attempting to deal with this alone? I am happy to hear that you are trying to learn more on the subject since knowledge is the key to dealing with this situation. We have several articles the Library at TGGuide that may offer additional insight into the subject. Additionally, Dr. Anne Lawrence (URL http://www.annelawrence.com/twr ) has a lot of information on her site dealing both with Hormone Replacement Therapy and the subject in general as does Dr. Rebecca Allison (URL http://www.drbecky.com ).

As far as being attracted to men, that is and always has been one of the most immediate concerns of the spouse, partner, significant other and is also one of the most difficult to answer. Although some Transsexuals are indeed strongly attracted to men that is not a hard and fast rule. As with the rest of society the sexual orientation in the T-Community covers the entire spectrum. I can only use myself as an example; I am a male to female transsexual that identifies as a lesbian, which if taken in the context of general society would mean that I am a woman attracted to women. However, because I was born with the body of a male, society views my relationships as heterosexual. A transsexual again male to female who is attracted to men would view themselves as heterosexual while at the same time society would view such relationships as homosexual. I hope that does not confuse you to badly, it is a difficult concept to understand if one does not have any knowledge of the T-Community and the workings thereof.

Would you be insensitive to express your concern to your partner? Of course not. And s/he should be as understanding of your feelings as you are of hers/his. By suppressing your concerns the only thing that you will accomplish is to put the both of you under a lot of unnecessary stress. As long as the concerns of both of you are expressed in a non-threatening supportive manner a reasonable and equitable solution should be achieved.

As far as a couple working through this type of situation, it can and does happen with very positive results. It takes a willingness on the part of both parties to be open and approachable on the subject. It takes an unconditional love of your partner and a commitment to each other that is able to withstand the preconceived judgments of a, for the most part, ignorant and bigoted society. I know several couples personally that have worked through the gender issues of one of the partners and they have remained together and in the case of those with children are raising them as joint 'parents' rather than the traditional 'mother & father' parenting that is considered the norm in today's society.

As far as her/his feeling for other men, s/he may indeed not be fully aware of her/his feelings in that direction, since your friend is taking hormones, it may be to the point that s/he is experiencing all the confusion and conflict associated with puberty. This may sound like a far fetched idea but it is never the less true.

There are several sources of support for women involved with members of the T-Community. We have a Message Board here at TGGuide, TGSource has a similar board (URL http://www.tgsource.com/messageboards/ ), for real-time chat with other significant others you may want to visit Nature's Paths (URL http://www.naturespaths.org ). Cath, who monitors that board can provide you with additional resources.