Transgender Guide Jokes and Funny Stories

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Giggle Extravaganza!

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 An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Business Trip

Later in the evening he decides to visit the local bordello; as he enters he hands the madam two hundred dollars and asks her for the worst prostitute she has.

"But sir, for two hundred dollars I can set you up with the best girl I have," she replies.

To which he responds: "Lady, you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

TOP 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Packing

An Englishman, a German, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were sitting in a pub sipping their pints. Discussion eventually turned to exactly how stupid their respective wives were. The Englishman said, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the grocery and bought $300 worth of fresh meat because it was on sale -- but we don't even have a fridge to keep it in!" The German said, "That's nothing. My wife just spent $1,000 on ski equipment, and she doesn't even ski!" The Scotsman agreed that his mates' wives sounded pretty thick, but he declared his wife to be even thicker in the head. "Why, she's so stupid that just last week she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman continued to drink his drink and look thoughtful. At length he nodded sagely in agreement and allowed that all three women "sounded as if they had walked naked through the stupid forest and been hit by every branch." However, the Irishman stubbornly refused to concede that any woman was stupider than his wife. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece," he explained, "and I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in it -- and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Horses

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.

That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

Re-Gifting

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"

Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

Fishing Season

Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks:

"Any luck?"

"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

"Nope."

"Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

"Nope."

"Meet the biggest liar in the state."

Martian Love

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

To the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

-Author unknown

A fierce tribe captured a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a NewYorker.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman says, "Vive La France", drinks it down and dies.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says "God Save The Queen," and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself until he was a bloody mess.

The chief is horrified, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your f%%%% canoe, asshole."

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. With Family History recorded by Crock O. Schitt.

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady... well, she couldn't reach that far.

TWO AMAZING STORIES!!!!

During the course of World War II, many people gained fame in one way or another. One man was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. One time his entire squadron was assigned to fly a particular mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. Because of this, he would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to leave formation and return. As he was returning to the mothership, he could see a squadron of Japanese Zeroes heading toward the fleet to attack. And with all the fighter planes gone, the fleet was almost defenseless. His was the only opportunity to distract and divert them.

Single-handedly, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes and attacked them. The American fighter planes were rigged with cameras, so that as they flew and fought, pictures were taken so pilots could learn more about the terrain, enemy maneuvers, etc. Butch dove at them and shot until all his ammunition was gone, then he would dive and try to clip off a wing or tail or anything that would make the enemy planes unfit to fly. He did anything he could to keep them from reaching the American ships. Finally, the Japanese squadron took off in another direction, and Butch O'Hare and his fighter, both badly shot up, limped back to the carrier. He told his story, but not until the film from the camera on his plane was developed, did they realize the extent he really went to, to protect his fleet. He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest military honors. And as you may know, O'Hare Field was named after him.

Prior to this time in Chicago, there was a man called Easy Eddie. He was working for a man you've all heard about, Al Capone. Al Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic, but he was notorious for the murders he'd committed and the illegal things he'd done. Easy Eddie was Al Capone's lawyer and he was very good. In fact, because of his skill, he was able to keep Al Capone out of jail. To show his appreciation, Al Capone paid him very well. He not only earned big money, he would get extra things, like a residence that filled an entire Chicago city block. The house was fenced, and he had live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. Easy Eddie had a son. He loved his son and gave him all the best things while he was growing up; clothes, cars, and a good education.

And, because he loved his son he tried to teach him right from wrong. But one thing he couldn't give his son was a good name, and a good example. Easy Eddie decided that this was much more important than all the riches he had given him.

So he went to the authorities in order to rectify the wrong he had done. In order to tell the truth, it meant he must testify against Al Capone, and he knew that Al Capone would do his best to have him killed. But he wanted most of all to try to be an example and to do the best he could to give back to his son a good name. So he testified. Within the year, he was shot and killed on a lonely street in Chicago.

These sound like two unrelated stories, but Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground."

Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in OKLAHOMA were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

A gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GOT A LIGHT?

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line.

The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says:

"I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

The following was contributed by our friend Sasia Miller. If anyone would like to sumit funny bones, please feel free to do so. I am always happy to enclude others contributions

A man was approaching an intersection and came to a stop sign. Rather than coming to a complete stop he merely slows down and goes through the intersection. A local police officer was patroling the area and saw this. The police officer proceeded to pull the man over.

The man asked, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

The police officer replied, "You failed to come to a full and complete stop at that stop sign."

The man then says, "Well I slowed down, what's the difference?"

This angered the officer and he pulled the man from his car, threw him down to the ground, and starts hitting him with his nightstick. After beating the man a while the police officer pauses and asks the man, "Now, do you want me to slow down or to stop?"

A priest puts an ad in the paper for a new bellringer. After weeks of no replies the priest about gave up until a man with no arms shows up to apply. The priest took the man up to the top of the belltower and asks how he could possibly ring a bell. The man tells the priest to stand back and he backs up and runs into the bell with his head. The priest was amazed at this and tells the man if he can do that again he's got the job. The man backs up again and starts to run to the bell. This time he missed and goes flying out the tower and falls to his death. A police officer sees the whole thing and goes over to the crowd around the bod and asks if anyone knew the man. The priest steps forward and says, "I don't know his name but his face sure rings a bell." Ater a while the priest puts the ad back in the paper. Again no replies except for a man with no arms. The priest thought he was seeing a ghost until the man explains he was the deceased's brother. The priest takes him up to the tower as well. The man rings the bel exactly as his brother did. The priest tells him that he has the job if he can do it again. The man steps back and runs out the tower as his brother did before him falling to his death. The same police officer then goes to the crowd around the body asking about this man. The priest steps forward and says, "I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner who all work for the same law firm find this lamp. Just for fun they begin rubbing it and to their surprise, out pops a genie. The genie then says, "For freeing me I will giv you each one wish."

The secretary says, "I would like to have a shopping spree in Manhattan and have unlimited money to spend." Poof! She's gone.

The paralegal steps forward and says, "I would like to be on a tropical island paradise." Poof! He's gone.

The genie then turns to the partner and asks what he wants. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."